They say that the best news happens when no one is looking (which explains why I just landed on the front page of the Inquirer with trolley tracks on my face.)  In all likelihood, you spent last weekend staring eagerly into a bowl of Shells & Cheese rather than perusing papers. And who knows? Maybe you even found newsworthy material therein. Two birds with one stone, right? Britney just went a whole day without a visit from Child Services, proving that strange and miraculous things can happen. But in case you did miss out, these are my picks for the best stories of last week.

1. Some Parents Make Their Kids Pay for College: In a move that’s totally bumming out lots of college students, increasing numbers of middle class parents are refusing to pay the undergraduate tuition prices that are spiking faster than their offspring’s blood alcohol content. This unquestionably spells either doom or an influx of state school students. Or lots of whining and groveling. I’m predicting the third.

2.  Tanning is Addictive: Scarily, the effects of tanning are similar to opiate use, and scientists have concluded in a recent study that people who tan frequently have trouble dealing with a lack of ultraviolet light. The study was, in my expert opinion, financed by a coalition of sunscreen companies. Which explains why the report was sexily slathered up before submission. Sticky…

3. Gwyneth Likes Bizarre Names: Considering that her first child’s name was Apple, it should come as little surprise that Paltrow and husband Chris Martin named their second child – born last weekend - Moses. I’m thinking that Apple got the raw (haha) end of the deal on this one; after all, she’s just fruit. Moses, on the other hand, gets his name from one of the greatest Biblical prophets to ever sport giant pieces of rock. Plus, Charlton Heston as Moses kicked some serious Egyptian ass. Is there any better version of success?

4. Soda Makes You Chunky: Although sales of soda have dipped nationwide, people are still gaining weight from hefty frappuccinos, beer, and wine. Although I’ve never even considered sampling the last two, I can formally attest that fraps are essentially milkshakes peppered with crack. Because I have sampled crack. A recent panel sponsored by Lipton Tea urged consumers to choose, shock of all shocks, tea over sodas and other high-Cal drinks. The panel then fell asleep on a rocking chair while watching reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show on PBS.

5. NASA Will Crash Stuff for Water: In 2009, NASA plans to crash a space probe into the moon – a collision big enough to see from Earth through a telescope – in an effort to detect underground traces of water on the planet. Why? One of the Bush administration’s goals is to investigate the possibility of living in colonies on the moon. Maybe the solution to finding water lies in beating things with blunt objects. After all, it worked for Moses (not Paltrow’s) in the desert. Given Bush’s affinity for all things church, I’m thinking that this plan was influenced by his picture Bible. The rest came from a night of heaving, boozing and some bad mayo.

6. CVS Likes to Shame You: To the dismay of teenagers everywhere, many CVS stores now lock their condoms in glass cases, accessible only by an employee of the store. While some are outraged by this move, CVS spokespeople claim that it’s actually intended to stop thieves. Wait, is this an actual problem? Now, I’ve been pretty broke, but life has never kicked me hard enough to inspire prophylactic stealing. Rubber bands – that’s an entirely different matter. Don’t judge me.

7. Christian Colleges Will Accept You In More Ways Than One: Because of the huge influx of college apps in recent years, more students than ever are gunning for traditionally under-populated private Christian schools. These institutions, which faced dangerously low enrollment in the 1960s and 70s, are now being bombarded by eager eighteen-year-olds. Jesus Christ released a statement on Tuesday confirming the existence of a bargain with school leaders but declined to explain the specific terms of the agreement. In a recent story, the percentage of Christian school presidents sporting beard and sandal ensembles has skyrocketed.

8. Old People Do It Slowly: An 82-year-old woman in Los Angeles was ticketed for crossing an intersection too slowly; the woman began crossing Foothill Boulevard but did not finish before the light turned red. For the record, she was walking – not driving. A rise in pedestrian accidents prompted the ticket. I’m trying to imagine a scenario whereby a cop would wait for a very slow woman to cross a large boulevard, all the while contemplating the ticket he was about to bestow on her. And what was the ticket for exactly? Slowness? Oldness? Unclearness?

9. Wear Dead People Around Your Neck: Eiwa, a Japanese jewelry company, has recently begun marketing necklaces that contain actual strands of a loved one’s DNA. Free spirited couples can purchase interlocking versions of the metal necklaces, which cost upwards of $400 a pop. I don’t know what to say about this except to accuse Eiwa of being an underground cloning organization that uses necklaces as a front. Like mob restaurants, who use fettuccini alfredo instead of necklaces. It is more creamy and delicious than metal. Trust me.

10. Moles Are Naked, Sexy: The Knoxville Zoo has just opened a naked mole-rat exhibit. Among other things, the naked mole-rat does somersaults, sits around, eats, and generally looks, well, naked. There really isn’t anything left to say about this story. Go back to your Shells & Cheese.