1. If you genuinely believe the weekend starts on Wednesday and proclaim such absurdities as “Wednesday is the new Thursday.”
2. If every night of drinking requires at least half the next day to reassemble the tiny pieces of the relationships you shattered while drunk.
3. If you find yourself consistently using the phrase, “I’m really sorry for what I did. I don’t remember seeing you last night.”
4. If your main goal in attending a football game is to get drunk and start a fight with someone supporting the other team. And by other, you mean either. It really doesn’t matter.
5. If you subscribe to the maxim “drunk words are sober thoughts” in order to be able to publicly insult people and take pride in your “candor” while slurring Malcolm X quotes: “I've had enough of someone else's propaganda. I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against.”  God, if only everyone was as morally upstanding as me, you think.
6. If you are known not by name but by actions you perpetrated while drunk.  For instance, “the guy who started that huge fight” or “the guy who was ass naked in Harvard Square” or simply “the guy who peed in <insert extremely public place>”.
7. If you invite a girl back to your place for a bottle of wine mainly for the wine.
8. If you insist that you’re not really drinking. This is only wine. A wine drunk is “different.”
9. If you gave a homeless man twenty bucks with the stipulation that he would spend it on booze and not “Mickey D’s or some shit.”
10. If you pregame at Hillel.
11. If you recently had a drunken heart to heart with the security guard because everyone else had gone to bed by 7:30am.
12. If you decline plans with friends because you just have “soooo much drinking to do.”
13. If you find breaking an empty forty on the cement the best stress reliever ever. 
14. If you think any man who won’t freeball under his costume for the toga party is a total pussy.
15. If your rib still hurts from that drunken fight last weekend. But it’s totally cool because “it doesn’t even hurt to breathe anymore.”
16. If you agree that if you had a chance to eat dinner with Bill Clinton, Tucker Max or Frank Kelly Rich, you would totally choose one of the latter.
17. If you can’t walk in any direction without running into a girl you slept with while drunk.
18. If it takes you more than fifteen seconds to realize where you are in the morning.
19. If you recently experimented with absurd alcoholic combinations, such as Sake and Jack Daniels or Merlot and Captain Morgan’s. It may be nasty, but you insist: “It all ends up in the same place anyways. Don’t be an alcohol snob. Tool.”
20. If you really just can’t fucking stand being sober.

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