This week I got one of the funniest and most disturbing emails of my entire life. It was from my dad in response to a piece I had written in the last issue of First Call, “Putting Your Heart on the Line: Making Long Distance Relationships Work.” There are no words I could possibly use to describe it, so here it is in all its glory:

Actually, I thought that this was one of your best.  It was thoughtful, caring and sensitive.  And I learned things... You’ve had sex!

A good article that will actually be helpful to people. Nice job (...and you’ve really had sex?  You mean all those times you were in your bedroom you were not studying?)

I’m proud of you.

-Dad

Yeah. I was speechless too. This is probably funnier to you than it was me. I laughed, but just for lack of a better response. How does one respond to something like this? This is one of the moments kids dread. I never had to have the sex talk with my dad, never learned about the “birds and the bees” from my mom—they just assumed I knew. I guess they just never assumed how much I knew.

It got me thinking though: how much do our parents really know about us? I thought that my parents knew more about me. I never second-guessed it. It was kind of obvious when my girlfriend slept over in my room, or when I slept in hers. It was kind of obvious when I went to her house for “homework” all the time—I know I got into Penn, but I don’t like homework that much. So I guess in retrospect, they didn’t know.

But what about my fellow Penn students? What about all of you? How well do your parents really know you? And, I mean the real you, not the you that you pretend to be in front of them. And, if you don’t know what I am talking about then you are too much of a goody-two-shoes for your own good.

But for the sake of explanation, I will clarify for our goody-goodies out there. Do they know the stumbling in at 3 a.m., drunken-off-their-ass daughter or the pot-head-stares-at-the-T.V.-while-QVC-is-on-the-screen son? Or do they even know the has-sex-all-the-time-bisexual (excuse me, has-sex-all-the-time-experimental college student)?

Now how many people raised their hand to any of those? Didn’t think so. You probably believe that all they know is “daddy’s little girl” or their “sweet, sweet little boy.” But, maybe the truth is that they know quite a bit more about you than you wish they knew. I took it upon myself to find out which people have been outed by their parents, and which are still our superheroes, hiding their true identities.

I conducted a little survey, among some Penn students, asking people if their parents knew that they drank, did drugs (of any kind), or had sex. I asked about 50 people around campus. It wasn’t the most scientifically sound experiment, but most of them did at least one of the things on the list. 35 people on the list told me that their parents knew about their drinking habits; fifteen told me that they knew about sex; and, only 6 people said that their parents knew about their drug use. For the most part, the people whose parents knew about sex also knew about their drinking; and, those that knew about drugs, knew about the other two for all six people.

For those whose parents didn’t know, students said that they were “just plain ignorant” (nice children right?). When asked about sex and alcohol (explicitly ruling out drugs) Matt DiFrancesco, a freshman in engineering said that it was different with his parents, “it’s a don’t ask, don’t tell, just be responsible type of thing.” While a sophomore in nursing, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that “as long as I’m not screwing up my parents do not choose to notice.”

But for those whose parents did know, the results weren’t surprising. Kids are O.K with their parents knowing about drinking. Drinking is common amongst kids our age. Especially now that we are in college, our parents could really give two shits. We are on our own now, and the choices we make are truly ours. Plus, our parents know what college is like. My dad told me about much he loved his frat, and all the booze that went along with it at Brooklyn College. Fake ID’s run rampant across campus. There isn’t a day that’s gone by when I haven’t gotten a flyer for a party. Hell, my parents have given me a few calls while I’ve been at some. My friend Alexandros, a freshman in the college, who’s Greek, said that “In Greece, telling your parents you’re drinking is like telling them you’re going jogging.” It seems like American sentiments are catching up with our European counterparts.

Drugs and sex were different stories—for inevitably different reasons. First off, sex is a kind of obvious thing for parents to figure out; but, regardless it’s an embarrassing thing to let your parents know. As one college freshman stated, “they don’t acknowledge that they know, but they know. I think a lot of parents are like that.” I thought that this was true. But, boy was I proven wrong. As you saw with that email, sometimes you get nasty surprises. One sophomore stated, “I was in a long, serious relationship. I think my dad would have thought I was gay if I hadn’t. I think he knows.” In a relationship for a long time as well, I thought it was almost a given too. Who knew?

As for the drugs, no one wants to get caught with drugs. I mean underage drinking is illegal, but drugs are illegal. Getting caught with that is a death sentence as far as I am concerned. Knowing how involved my parents are, I would be in a rehab clinic before you could say “rehab clinic.” And no Mom and Dad, I am not on drugs.

You see, my readers, I know how much my parents religiously read First Call. Everything I say in this article is open game to them. My dad already thought that I was on drugs when I grew a goatee this summer (don’t worry for those non-goatee fans, I shaved it off), so this article isn’t helping. Even knowing my family’s die-hard fanaticism over reading my work, I might as well take advantage and open up a little more so you don’t just think I gathered data from other students. Watch now as I perform a daring feat, as I openly tell my parents I have drank before, and do drink at college: Mom. Dad. I have had a beer before. I have had a shot before. I’ve been drunk before.

My 13-year-old sister knows this (sorry, Becky) and has consistently made jokes about getting me beer logo shirts—my parents sit in confusion, wondering why this is funny to my sister and me. But now the confusion is gone, now they know just about everything (this is getting worse and worse). If I didn’t put that in there, they would have figured it out anyway. But right before your eyes, another one is added to that survey I conducted. What makes it worse, is as I write this article I am also packing to go back home tomorrow. I hope they don’t read this before then. I really hope not.

Penn students: Be careful what you say and do directly or indirectly with your parents. It’s not like I am really heeding my own advice, but I am too far gone. In reality, your parents will see everything you do; unfortunately they care about you too much. And if they don’t care about you, they will see the bad things simply because the universe hates us all and wants us to get in deep. It seems like most people’s parents, out of those I asked, knew about their double lives. It also occurred to me that these students got a lot of shit for it. Please people, I beg you: don’t become another statistic.

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