ociety places great value on firsts.  Everyone remembers their first car, the first time they got drunk, and the first time they got laid (hopefully not the same night).  But the most important of all firsts is “first love”.  I have no idea what makes first love is so strong, but it is.

My first love goes by the name of Hannah.  We dated in high school, broke up when we went off to high school, and two years later I am still not over her.  It’s sad, but I still think about her everyday.  When I hear a funny story, I want to share it with her; when I fail a test, I want her to make me feel better; and even when I kiss a girl (which is rare), I want to ask Hannah her opinion of the girl.  As you can see, I suck at moving on. 

In an effort to push forward in my life, I tried to follow the path of a friend.  He too had dated a girl in high school, and he went to visit her early in their first semesters at college.  He assumed that they would still be hooking up, but he soon found out that they would not be.  “So do you want to know what I did?” he said. “I got wasted and hooked up with five girls on her hall that night.”  So do you want to know what I did?  I printed out a piece of paper with his quote in size 50 point font, for motivation.  If Justin could do it, then so could I.

But I couldn’t.  I am not good at hooking up with random girls and I have no real interest in it.  So, I asked other people for advice about how to move on.  These friends sent me on dates and set me up with people that they knew, but it still all came back to Hannah. 

Like any logical student, I contemplated.  For days.  After hours upon hours of thought, I came to the conclusion that my first love was my true love.  I wanted Hannah back.

This decision was not whimsical.  In fact, it was logical and practical.  It took about two years, but I figured out who I wanted to be with.  I was ready to fully settle down.  I was okay spending Saturday nights on the phone and taking the train to Vassar every other weekend.  It didn’t matter to me that Hannah planned to go abroad in the fall and that she had plans of going to med-school after college.  I was in for the long haul.  We were going to be such cute couple that you would have hated us, because deep down you would be jealous.

Did I mention Hannah has a boyfriend at Vassar? His name is Ben, and that is about all I know about him.  I’m sure he’s a great guy, but by definition he is my nemesis.  I recognize that I wanted to break up originally so that we could get a chance to meet other people, but she got a boyfriend!  Correction: she got a real boyfriend.  (A real boyfriend is defined as someone you have sex with and someone you tell that you love.)  I thought this didn’t matter.  I thought that the opportunity to get back with me would be enough to drop everything.  I thought the way we talked, the way we kissed, and the way we looked at each other when we smiled was enough to bring us back together no matter what.

I was wrong.  “Things with Ben are, well, good.”  And to be honest, I think this answer is fair enough.  She has a great boyfriend, and she can’t throw that away.  I guess I just figured that if Meredith did it for McDreamy, Hannah would do it for me.  Then I remembered that I’m not on TV.

If there is one thing that I have learned, it is that now I have to actually move on.  I removed Hannah as a facebook friend, blocked her on AIM, and took her out of my cell phone.  I didn’t do this to be an overdramatic asshole; I did it because I can’t get over her if she’s still in my life.  I promised to call her when I have finally moved on, but this was defined as completely in love with someone else – two years minimum.  It is sad that I will no longer have the opportunity to speak with the one person who knows me best, but I think it’s my only chance.  Sure we cried as we said goodbye, but I think it was the first step in the right direction.

The first time I told Hannah I loved her, I was away at camp and she was home for the summer.  When I told a camp friend I was in love he said to me “Enjoy it while it lasts.  When you’re in love it’s the greatest thing in the world, but when it’s gone it’s really gone.  It hurts, you miss it, and it sucks.  So enjoy it.”  He was right.

She taught me everything I know about relationships.  From the ground up, she taught me how to kiss and how to date.  And together, we figured out how to love.  I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything, but now that it is gone I need to recognize that.  Hannah will not be mentioned in conversation, she will not be discussed in articles, and hopefully she will (over time) not be present in my day to day thoughts.

In conclusion, all I want to do is get drunk and make out with boys.

Goodbye, Hannah.  I’ll miss you.