After spending eight weeks this summer studying in England, it would make sense for me to write an article about it. There’s definitely plenty I could describe, like the places I visited and the people I met – all very interesting stuff, and great postcard material. Or I could go the emotional route and tell you why I traveled there in the first place – how I’ve always had this strange affinity for the UK, and how I used to dream of studying there for graduate school and even getting a job out of college in a place like London. Or I could even give you the standard student-study-abroad package: “memories of a lifetime,” “best summer of my life,” and “coolest new friends.”

But, to be honest, I’m over it. It was great, I’m glad I went, I’d recommend it in a second, and all the rest. But it’s still the same clichéd report you’d hear from anyone else. Frankly, the most valuable thing I took back with me was a sense of fulfillment and the realization that in the end, I’d rather just stick with the US. Please don’t take this for some kind of disillusioned melancholy – those types of articles just piss me off. It’s just, in reflecting on the past eight weeks I spent abroad, I’d much prefer to talk about the United States. And so, as a souvenir from my time in England, I present you with what I’ve found to be the most wonderful things we take for granted in this country. As it turns out, you just can’t get this stuff in certain other well-developed, English-speaking countries.

I’ll start with the most important element: bathroom sanitation. I never truly understood the perks of paper towels in public and private bathrooms. Who could have guessed the environmental ignorance of our country made things so much more convenient for us after washing our hands? Every once in a while I can deal with electric hand blowers that do nothing but leave my hands in an awkward semi-evaporated state of moistness while producing plenty of noise in the process. But when an entire country rallies behind this material-saving, yet definitively uncomfortable experience, I have to hand it to them. Their willpower far exceeds my own.        Second on my list is the issue of spiders. We have them, but the UK has more. Far more. And they’re bigger. I never thought I had arachnophobia; I’ll add that to my list of souvenirs.

Thirdly, I’ve come to greatly appreciate the phrase “10:00 AM- 10:00 PM” on a sign anywhere in the vicinity of a store. Many English shops seem to find it unnecessary to post their open hours. Perhaps they think it’s obvious, or maybe they’re just big fans of the guessing game. I, however, would rather not walk into a store at a quarter to five, with an “Open!” sign and no hours posted, only to have some old woman’s glare bitterly follow me around before she calls out “excuse me, EXUSE ME, but we’re CLOSING.” Which brings me to another bone worth picking – closing at 5:00 PM? What? Thank God Americans are overworked.

Fourthly, I am a big – no, HUGE fan of locked doors that may be opened with the use of only one hand. It’s fascinating technology. You insert the key, turn it, and then push open the door with the same hand. Once you try it, you can never go back. I’m pretty sure there are doors in the US that require the insertion of key with one hand and the turn of knob with the other to enter, but I, at least, have never personally needed to use one before on a daily basis. Trust me, it makes a big difference. (The reader should note that, in an ironic twist of fate, the front door to the author’s house this year is indeed a two-hander lock. @#%$#.)

Fifthly, windows with screens are surprisingly better than those without them. Disclaimer: I know that I am extrapolating enormously here in assuming an entire country does not really use them, but that still by no means diminishes my newfound admiration for window screens. And I’m not referring to keeping out flies. I’m thinking about the pigeons.

And lastly, sixthly, is the wonder of Quil – both Day and Ny. Apparently the DayQuil and NyQuil brands have yet to branch out across the Atlantic. This is a decision that should be changed immediately. England is indeed cold and wet, even in the summer, and the immune system responds predictably enough. The medicines there, however, just aren’t up to the par of the Quil.

So, there you have it. Eight weeks in a country and that’s all I’ve got. But like, England is so cool and I had, like, such a fun time, and the food actually is that bad, and the streets were, like, old and narrow, and people really did have English accents! O-M-G, I loved it! But I’ll take West Philly any day instead. Cheers.