December means days of snowflakes, fuzzy hats, and hot chocolate with marshmallows.  It means you can see your breath when you poke your mouth out from under your wooly scarf on your way to class.  December means that Locust Walk now twinkles with strands of star lights. 

December also means that it’s time for the holiday gift swaps, the Khris Kringles, the Secret Santas.  You’re a poor college student with $150 in your bank account.  You have 15 people expecting presents.  You will wipe out your bank account, and give each person a cheapo gift (less than $10 before tax). 

But if you pick your gifts wisely, you may be able to avoid the holiday gift swaps next year.  Here are the top five gifts to guarantee you far fewer invites to the gift swapping extravaganzas next year:

Vacuum.  Every married man seems to reach a point when he becomes bored with tucking glittery jewelry under the Christmas tree. He tries to be innovative, and buys his wife a top-of-the-line cleaning appliance.  Then, they get a divorce.  Follow this disastrous holiday model.  If you can find a vacuum that is affordable, given your tight budget, slap on a pretty bow and you’re done.  Don’t use gift wrap.  Gift wrap would ruin the loveliness of the gift.  You don’t want to be tacky. 

Bathroom scale.  Holiday food is amazing: honey glazed ham, carbohydrates so delectable that throwing the Atkins book in the trash seems like a no-brainer, and enough cake and candy to cause lapses into sugar comas.  According to Jack A. Yanovski, M.D., Ph.D., “weight gained over the winter holidays isn’t lost during the rest of the year.”  The extra calories consumed around the holidays are fun to eat, not so fun to see settling on your hips.  Tell your bud that their pants look a little tighter, and hand over the present.  It’s not a cruel gift; you’re just being a health conscious friend. 

Gum.  Make sure it’s mint, extra-strength if at all possible.  While a picture can say 1,000 words, gum says just two: bad breath.  “Happy Holidays… You make me nauseous every time you open your mouth!”  Depending on how gourmet you go with the gum selection, use the leftover allotted gift money on a second dental hygiene present.  There should be enough room in the gift bag for the gum and a toothbrush, or at least some floss. 

Socks.  The good old reliable, boring gift.   If you end up scrimping enough on the socks, pull a move similar to the one you pulled on the dental hygiene gift.  Be generous and give two gifts!  With your leftover money, throw in some deodorizing foot spray.  People say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  Well the way to anyone’s heart is through their feet.  Nothing says “I love you” or “I value your friendship” like some tender loving care in the form of antibacterialized feet. 

Homemade anti-aging face mask.  Mix up some eggs, mayonnaise, and milk.  Maybe throw in some vanilla extract so the recipient of your gift doesn’t feel like she’s smearing something from the sandwiches at Subway onto her face.  Remember to be honest about your present.  Tell the recipient of your gift that you don’t really know if your recipe will help iron out her wrinkled face, but you wanted to encourage her to take action before it was too late.  You could even go the extra step and make her an appointment with a dermatologist.  Encourage her to go for some Botox. 

One warning: The above gift giving tactics have been proven very effective in reducing the number of gift swap invitations the givers of these gifts receive in subsequent years.  However, giving these gifts may also result in reducing the number of general invitations the givers of these gifts receive.  Be very careful when you are selecting presents to give this season, because your entire future social life may depend on your choice.