Firstcallisms | First Call - Penn's Undergraduate Magazine

Deep in the PubRoom of Kelly Writers House, the First Call staff gathers in earnest every Saturday to sort through our many years of combined knowledge to produce the whimsical, delightfully informative firstcallism. This is their story.

Lauren: Let’s make it something about how we printed a Sudoku that had two 9s in one line.

Lauren: No, we already did something about Snapple once. [True Fact: The first firstcallism ever, circa 2004, was that not all Snapple facts are real facts.]

Anna: What’s going on, did anything funny happen to anyone? Anything depressing happen to anyone? Throw me a bone here, people! <flail>

September 18, 2006
"Shut-up" is not a valid argument.

April 3, 2006
Dear DP Editors: Gah Gah Gah <insert headline here>

March 20, 2006
First Call: Think of anything and we'll "cleverize" it.

February 27, 2006
Warning: Drunken debauchery may lead to spring break-ups.

February 20, 2006
Guns don't kill people, Dick Cheney kills people... almost.

February 13, 2006
Roses are read, violets are blue, this poem sucks.

January 20, 2006
First Call redesigned: prepare for an issuegasm.

January 23, 2006
Laughter is contagious, but so are STDs.

December 5, 2005
Dear Hamilton sex god, nice ass. Love, First Call.

November 14, 2005
What? We can't be witty all the time!

October 31, 2005
Early for class? Set your clock back, stupid!

October 10, 2005
Econ Scream: The marginal benefit of streaking is less than the marginal cost of seeing you naked.

October 3, 2005
Penn Police: Give up those bikes and start shooting some pesky squirrels.

September 26, 2005
Registered Parties: 18 to enter, 21 year-old friend to drink.

September 19, 2005
Freshmen Girls: Break in those sweat pants. Looking good won't last much longer.

September 6, 2005
Dear Slutty Freshmen: Strip chess is not a game. It's just one guy trying to see you naked.

April 4, 2005
Ooh! 2 by 4s! It's time to go clubbing!

March 28, 2005
It is always best to grate your own lemons.

March 21, 2005
Dear Harnwell residents, no hot water? Haul ass to the Schuylkill! Love, J-Ro and Hackney.

February 28, 2005
Spring Break: A body-shot a day keeps the doctor away!

February 21, 2005
What's with the unicycle people? They've spawned.

February 14, 2005
Candy Hearts: Real love won't make you choke.

January 31, 2005
"Love thy neighbors, but lock thy doors." Go Eagles!

January 24, 2005
Body Parts: If they don't jiggle, they aren't real.

December 6, 2004
A Cappella: I can't believe it's not real music!

November 29, 2004
2nd Hand Stores: Call it vintage, but it's actually just dead people's stuff.

November 15, 2004
Jersey's a trash heap because New Yorkers don't know how to recycle.

November 8, 2004
Beware of the furby! In 1999, the NSA classified the furby as a national security threat and later realized it wasn't.

November 1, 2004
You don't have to spend several grand on spinning rims to make your tires spin; they spin anyway.

October 11, 2004
Free Internet Games: Best way to lose weight and friends simultaneously.

October 4, 2004
First Call: A source of inspiration for DP columnists with writer's block.

September 27, 2004
Airplane armrest? That's Poland in 1939. Take it before someone else does and never let go.

April 26, 2004
If February and March honor blacks and women, then are April through January white male months?

April 12, 2004
This city needs fewer fire hydrants, more parking spaces. Sorry Fido.

April 5, 2004
Chew On This: There's no point to matzah that's not kosher for Passover.

March 29, 2004
Flexitarian: n. a vegetarian who occasionally eats meat. Otherwise known as an oxyMORON.

March 22, 2004
Chinese fortune cookies should contain fortunes, not proverbs.

March 1, 2004
Thank you, but no thank you! Who cares about thank-you notes?

February 23, 2004
The Dueling Lipsticks: Seriously, tampons don't look like that.

February 16, 2004
Not all Snapple "Real Facts" are real facts.